It's been a while since I've written a JET. I will be the first one to admit aging sucks. I've said it to many people before because not only does your physical body break down the older you get, but your mental capacities also break down and especially noticeable past the age of 70 or 80. A person becomes less agile, strong, and quick when it comes to your body and what you can do in terms of physical exercise. I was and never will be a true athlete. I'm not that type of person nor want to be because I don't have the physical gift like some people in my family. I'm perfectly fine with other family members running marathons and competing in triathlons. I'm equally fine with my niece and nephew biking 13 miles. I for one thing would not do this because I don't find biking remotely interesting in any way. Plus, my butt gets sore quickly due to my sciatica which is why I haven't been blogging lately. I've been contending with major leg and hip pain since about two weeks ago and got so bad (it didn't help I didn't listen to my body) that I fell on the treadmill. It was a sight to see. Good thing I was alone because I fell on my knees and the wind was knocked out of me a little bit. Needless to say, I took a break from jogging and incredibly miss it right now. I still can't jog even when it turns October because my mobility on my right side is stunted, and my hip and leg is still tight and stiff and hurts.
While my goal was to lose enough weight to bring down my numbers on my various blood tests, which I have, and everything is now normal besides the RH factor that tests for autoimmune disorders. I am unlucky to have two them which amounts to having arthritis forming in my late 30s and Sjogren's in my 40s. Both are aggravating and annoying because while I've been forced to accommodate having a dry mouth and skin as well as chronic pain in my fingers and toes. The loss of feeling in my feet isn't the greatest feeling either at times as I'm convinced there is some kind of lack of circulation going on in my body. I've had this off and on since my 30s as well so yes, I can honestly say my body started breaking down in my 30s. I will say I have no ambition to want to go back to being 30 pounds heavier than I am now. I am eight pounds away from my high school weight in 12th grade and have accepted I could very well get to that weight but for now it is at a standstill. Even though I'm lighter than I was in 2008, my body composition is how should I put it, "more doughy" now compared to back then. My gut wasn't so protruding and am proud to say I now fit into most of my old clothes. Good thing I still kept them as I one day hoped I would fit into them again. A fire was definitely lit under my ass due to inching closer to obesity from being overweight. For some reason I hid it well or thought I did although looking back my face definitely was wider and fatter.
In some ways, I did treat my age and what my body can handle with respect but in other ways I did not with my most current weight loss. I knew from long ago I would never be one to adopt self-harming and non-lasting methods of losing weight such as anorexia or bulimia or a combination. I know people who struggled with both and like any kind of addiction and mental affliction, it isn't something to mess around with. Yet, I realize as I was losing weight around the third month, I was dipping my toe further into anorexia because I wasn't eating enough calories when I was jogging and walking on an incline. By the end of the day, I was eating around 1000 to 1100 calories but burning 500 to 700 calories, which amounted to eating only around 500 to 800 calories a day. As most of you know, this is not enough calories to sustain bodily functions. Most people need 1200 calories a day to fuel their bodies, but I had trained my body to only eat 1000 to 1100 calories a day. The reason why I'm even talking about this is due to me never imagining I would need to eat more protein because I was working out so much and that I'd have to eat more calories such as 1300 to 1500 a day in order to get enough nutrients for my body to combat the negative effects of eating not enough food every day.
All I'm doing right now is lifting light weights and doing crunches and pushups while upping my caloric intake because around month 3 or 4, my hair started to fall out all over my head. Needless to say, it freaked me out and still does. It highly freaked me out where I went to a dermatologist to see what was causing my hair loss. I knew the only thing that had changed was my diet and weight loss. The doctor said to eat, at least, 1200 calories a day, and because my hair is important to me, I'm eating more calories and not being so fearful of gaining a few pounds back because I know when push comes to shove, it is better to be healthy and a few pounds above my goal weight than be at my goal weight without hair on my head. The good thing is I've adapted to not putting my body through such stress and no matter what advice I get from my co-worker; I know what is best for myself and that is being healthy. What works for him doesn't work for everyone. I had to restrict my calories when I first started losing weight, but I technically could stop losing weight because I'm at a point of being healthy for the most part. Once I get more of a handle on my sciatic pain and after I go to PT, I plan on losing a few more pounds and that's it.
As I continue to add years onto my life and one could call it experience, my immediate issues became at a standstill when the basics in my life was threatened. A roof over my head, food to eat, and clothing to wear is all good and nice. But there is another phenomenon called self-esteem and that is where my hair loss comes into play. No one feels good about losing hair for whatever reason unless you're a little out of the ordinary. During the thick of it, I was freaking out and thought this is no good and a part of my life was doomed forever. Having the ability to see a doctor and why this was happening helped me gain a sense of calmness again. So, I am applying this to other parts of my life. I did a lot of meditation among other ways to sort out and resolve other issues going on that are less objective and clear cut. With age usually people are able to better deal with subjective problems and allow the future to unfold as it should because there is nothing a person can do to influence or control the outcome when it is in someone else's grasp and control. Therefore, I end this with me needing to take this weekend to completely decompress from what occurred during this week. I seem to be doing this quite a bit lately and would rather not have to decompress and reflect and resolve on my weekends that should be devoted to writing and coloring. I want to be able to decompress throughout the week, a little each day, but I guess big issues even if they are small call for two days instead of one.
As I move forward with my life and seems I'm forever waiting for my next birthday to roll around and getting all my goals by the end of 2024 finished probably won't happen. They have never in past years and so won't this year either. One thing has changed. I'm not as uptight about it. I do my best with what I have and the issues surrounding me at the time. I hate the phrase, "no excuses" as if there is no grey and only black and white. Humans are not cookie cutter men and women. I also hate the phrase, "no pain, no gain." It's so outdated to the point of ridiculousness. Yet, I am still affected by it. I sought to continue jogging through the pain to the point of my leg giving out, spasming and whatever else it did, that resulted in falling off the treadmill. As I try my best to not look at Sunday as the last day of freedom before work on Monday and all it entails (the good, the bad, and the downright nasty ugly), I'm trying to focus on the moment (this Sunday) and make it the best possible I can within reason. I'm trying to enjoy the day as best I can and not view Monday as hanging over my head like a gloomy reminder of the weekly grind most of us go through when we have a necessary job to pay the bills. A part of me wishes I could go back in time and change many things along the way, but I don't have this luxury. Time travel doesn't exist to right the wrongs of my past. So, I can only live in the present as much as possible and hope things come together for a better future. And most of all be more respectful of my body because for a long time I hated my body and everything else as well.
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